Biden Urges New Initiative to Slip Stimulus Money into Americans' Pockets, Not Tell Parents

"It doesn't have to be a big production," says President Biden about ramping up stimulus check delivery before the end of the weekend.

"I'm serious, it's not all a matter of, 'Here you go! Get back out there, slugger!' You just go in for a hug, right? And you slip the money right into their pocket."

Millions of Americans have already received their stimulus package direct deposits of $1400 dollars, while many more anxiously await the money that might make all the difference this month. This stress can be exacerbated by conservative parents insisting that the money's no good.

"Yes, I've heard what your parents have to say about the stimulus money," Biden said, when pressed. "They say they're worried about the national debt, that they're the ones who'll be paying for it. But, come on, man. They didn't have a problem when your other president did it, did they?"

This third stimulus check is the highest one-time payment out of the three offered since the COVID-19 crisis shook America starting last March, though even some excited recipients were hoping for more.

"I had heard it would be $2000... or even student loan forgiveness. But no, this is still good. Thank you, Mr. President," said an earnest twenty-something working in the gig economy.

There's always a certain amount of subterfuge in politics, but President Biden wants to make it clear he does not condone Americans lying to their parents. "I'm not advocating for Americans to tell their parents they didn't qualify, or that it got lost in the mail. What I'm saying is, if you don't bring it up, they don't have to get all upset, huh? Get yourself something nice. Maybe a Lego. I love Legos. You break them down, you build it back better. I could go on and on."

He did, until his aides gently ushered him away. Meanwhile Vice President "Fun Aunt" Kamala Harris asks young Americans if they want to do COVID-19 Vaccine sometime this week.