Crucial Cyanide Capsules for Teachers “On the Way,” Says District

The COVID-19 crisis has hit educators and school districts particularly hard, as educators and administrators scrambled to provide the necessary technology and training needed to give kids a quality education in an unprecedented time of disaster. But as some schools begin to transition their students back to the buildings, educators are left wondering if they’ll really have all the resources they need.

“They keep promising us cyanide pills in the event that we come into contact with someone infected by the virus, but frankly, I have my doubts,” says an anonymous source.

It’s a genuine worry. In districts that are refusing work-from-home requests, even to teachers with fully remote classes, educators are concerned that districts might be promising more than they can deliver.

“It’s always been this way,” says another teacher who will remain anonymous. “Lots of cheers and thanks for our sacrifice, but when the rubber hits the road, we’re responsible for buying our own supplies, taking extra-precautions ourselves, and using sick days to schedule appointments to update our last will and testament.”

That kind of frustration is hard to ignore. Facing the idea of a debilitating illness and the associated medical costs without a fast-acting cyanide capsule embedded in a false molar is a lot to ask of professionals who are frequently underpaid, working thankless overtime hours, and in charge of being an educator, role model, confidante, and last line of defense against school-shooters and pandemic disease vectors all rolled into one.

“I know I’ll be able to breathe easier once that capsule is embedded in my jaw,” says a veteran of the public school system from Virginia. “But until that time comes, I’ll just have to take the chances local politicians and school board members feel comfortable taking with my life and the lives of my family members.”

As for me, I’ve had to try to make my own cyanide capsules out of apple seeds, elbow grease, and a can-do attitude. But more on that story as it develops…