A Duck Made by Committee
There’s an old joke that asks what a platypus is. A bird? Not quite. A mammal? Technically, but how many mammals have venom? An abomination? Of course not. Have you seen baby platypi? So, what is a platypus? It’s a duck… designed by a committee. And if you’ve ever been part of a group project where everyone has their own ideas of what should happen, I’m sure that makes a lot of sense.
Hollywood movies are also made by committee, and often with similar results. Take Batman vs. Superman. Here we have a movie that makes no sense. We have a gratuitous reminder of Batman’s origin story that 100% of the movie-going public already knows, a bizarre dream sequence with the Flash, congress exploding for no other reason than to make Superman sad, Wonder Woman entering out of nowhere to set the stage for a Justice League movie that seems equally pointless, a cave troll from the Hobbit shows up (but it’s Lex Luthor and Zod’s baby? Unclear), and Batman murdering just oodles of people.
And at every point, someone looked at the script said and said: “Exactly. THIS is what audiences want to see.”
And personally, I would like to slap that person. So, I’ve started a list of things that Hollywood seems to think everyone in the world wants to see that we’re all over. If you want to add to the list, post them to @SharpeWrites on Twitter. I could use more to hate.
No More:
-Trying to make intricately connected movie universes. Marvel did it. Everybody else failed. Move on.
-Putting dream sequences in the trailer so people think that thing really happens, but then it doesn’t.
-Cars doing things that cars shouldn’t do: parachuting. Fighting wrecking balls. Driving torpedoes into submarines? I was asleep for most of that one.
-“Live Action” Remakes that are mostly CGI.
-Plots revolving around charismatic, attractive Hollywood people being “plain” or “quirky losers.”
-Heroes refusing to kill, unless it’s henchmen whose names we don’t know, in which case blow them to hell.
-Destroying a major metropolitan area (all lousy CGI) to “save the day.”
-Women assassins/soldiers/whatever in skintight suits with heels.
-Smart people saying something, then the cool character telling them to repeat it “in English!”
-The joke character doing exactly one useful thing and all the other characters pointing it out immediately. Looking at you, Olaf the Snowman.
-Saying the name of the movie while the soundtrack swells to a crescendo. I know what movie I’m watching; I bought the tickets!