Top Headlines of 2024
It feels like every news site has been patting themselves on the back over the most-read articles published last year, but if they really wanted to impress me, they should have let me know about those articles before they came out. And since I always want to impress myself, I’ve compiled a list of the top headlines of this coming year. I had to be vague about some bits, but you get the idea.
[HEALTHY FOOD] is Killing You (And the Planet)
Is [UNHEALTHY FOOD] the Secret to Longer Life? [It isn’t]
What is Elon Musk Up To This Time? Hint: It Involves Human Flesh.
This Novel Was Written by AI. Is it a Masterpiece? [It isn’t]
2024 Election Between Insurrectionist Nutjob and a Largely Boring Man is a Dead Heat
Everything Is Actually OK for Once!
Retraction: Everything WAS NOT OK for Once…
[Person Everybody Knew Was Creepy] Accused of Heinous Crimes
[Person Nobody Thought Was Creepy] Accused of Heinous Crimes, Which is Sadder
[Climate Change Disaster] Strikes US: If Only We Could Have Done Something in the Past Five Decades
Opinion: [Terrible Person] is a Hero. Here’s Why [They aren’t]
I Thought I Was In Love… But it Was Just ChatGPT
It’s Unanimous: Supreme Court Releases Decision That Everyone Hates
#Feminism: Barbie Sweeps Oscars, Hollywood Will Allow One More Film Directed by a Woman Per Year
Community the Movie releases November 2024 [Wishful Thinking…]
Blogger Burned at Stake for Eerily Accurate Prophecies [All According to Plan…]
Maybe it’s witchcraft… maybe reality is just repetitive and poorly written.