History Lessons from the Before Times

Yes, yes, phones away, class, we have a LOT of notes to cover before the test next week. Today’s subject is Pre-Pandemic society.

In Ancient Rome, comrades would greet each other by clutching each other’s forearms. By doing this, they demonstrated their friendship by showing they had no weapons hidden up their sleeves. While greeting your closest friend by checking weapons may seem a tad uncivilized, it continued for thousands of years, right up until the great pandemic of 2020, at which point the gesture was replaced by the hands up gesture we all know today, which means “that’s close enough, stop there.”

There are many tired traditions that Pre-Pandemic society continued due to their rudimentary knowledge of germ theory. If you look at this slide here, you’ll see a festive party to celebrate a child’s birthday. What are those in the background? Yes, trees! They had those back then; I’m told they were very tall. But notice the child expelling his disgusting fluids all over this large cake in front of him. The parents would then carve that cake up and serve it to the party-goers! It’s a wonder they didn’t all die out, the simpletons.

Here we have an early 21st century food processing facility. In these days, much of the food society consumed went through a facility like this one, but because their government sanitation standards could be bought by corporate lobbyists, they might as well have been dipping their sandwiches in an open sewer pipe. Yes, that is why we overthrew the corporate oligarchs, Leila. Gold star for you. It led to many outbreaks of sickness, and people died, but the leaders of the time shrugged and said their oldest prayer: “capitalism.” So primitive…

And here we have one of the worst offenders of the era: a person in public wearing a mask that doesn’t cover their nose, selfishly spreading their plague breath to those around them, which led to the invention of…. Anyone? That’s right! The same Nose Guillotine we use on such disgusting criminals today. If you can’t be bothered to cover your nose, you shouldn’t have one.

Oh, shoot, we’re out of time. Well, before you log off, remember to like and subscribe to this lesson. See you next week, class!