The Next Killer Social Media App

It’s no secret that social media apps like Snapchat and TikTok are wildly popular right now. As a teacher, I’ve been hearing about how obsessively my kids spend time on the apps for a couple years now. Now, I could shake my head and look down my nose at them like other adults. I could tell them to try reading a book, or spend time outside. I could even groan about how back in my day…

OR

I could cash in on their worst instincts by using their feedback to create the next groundbreaking social media platform.

Inspired by literary greatness!

So let’s breakdown the success of TikTok and Snapchat, according to teens:

Pros:

-The content is short. Kids who used to watch movies or YouTube videos now feel they don’t have the time, so they watch 8 second TikToks for hours at a time. It feels shorter, because they’ve seen hundreds of them.

-Snapchat streaks. If kids don’t log on and use the app everyday, it breaks the record they build when they start the app. I’ve had kids give up on accounts forever if they miss a day… then start a new account and start all over. Psychologist BF Skinner, who showed that a rat would learn to love a button if cheese appeared after a button press would have a lot to say on this one.

-Tons of content. Videos take almost no time to make and are easy to post, so there’s no shortage of content ever.

Cons:

-TikTok is owned by a Chinese corporation partnered with the nation’s government that helps conduct surveillance on Uighur citizens. So that’s not great.

-Destructive to attention spans.

-Sells user data for profit

-Forces some teens to perform their youth for others, chasing the approval of strangers, or feel left out.

BUT, none of those cons stop the apps from making money, so are they really cons at all?

The new product:

-Content will range from .2 seconds to 1 minute in length. This content should appear so fast as to be nearly subliminal (bonus benefit to advertisers).

-In order to ensure constant content, the app will ALWAYS be on and ALWAYS be recording. When the device records laughter, it will play back the preceding audio/video and immediately post it. Imagine going viral without even knowing about it! It’s every social media influencer’s dream/normal person’s nightmare!

-Front-facing camera will record when an app-user’s eyes are open and staring at the screen. If you don’t reach your daily recommended screentime, your personal rating drops, SHARPLY. Your peers will see your score during their mandatory viewing period and realize how lame you are. But don’t worry! You can earn points back by watching until the app determines you are sleep deprived (which earns a Redeye TM score multiplier.)

Our app is currently in Pre-Alpha testing, but our users find they can’t look away!

This exciting new product is coming to market in 2022, and rest assured, no challenge or human rights violation will stop us from making billions of dollars. Welcome to the future. Welcome to:

LudoVico