Pitch Me an Oscar-Winner 2021

Over the past year, the internet and I have created a lot of great cinematic properties in the past year. And with Oscar season having just come to a close, what better way to celebrate our new properties than with a good old-fashioned award show?

As far as you know, I’m wearing an elegant tuxedo as I type this.

 Ahem. Lights, please! Envision the red carpet, the flashing cameras, the dresses that… just don’t make sense no matter how you look at them. Not that they’re bad, it’s just… I don’t understand> Why is your sleeve as large as your head? You would never wear this anywhere else, why are you wearing it here?

Anyway.

The award for Best Supporting Actress goes to… Zendaya as Marta Handford in Witness for the Defense! Zendaya brought heart to this heavily accented legal drama based on Where’s Waldo?

The award for Best Actress goes to… Scarlett Johannson as Deb Doherty in This is Platypus! Critics applauded her performance as “a lot like her performance in Marriage Story, but vastly more confusing.”

The award for Best Supporting Actor goes to… Sasha Baron Cohen as Babka in Oreo Twist! Sasha Baron Cohen may not have won for his performance in The Trial of the Chicago 7, but his gusty choice to just show up with a pastry on his head and have himself edited into an animated film put him over the top this year

The award for Best Actor goes to… Timothee Chalamet in American Goth! He really transformed himself into a lanky, longhaired young man with a dark sense of humor… okay, no he didn’t, he was basically just himself on screen. But the Academy felt that they were going to have to give him an award one of these days, so why not this year?

The award for Best Original Song goes to… Trent Reznor’s song for The Mean One: “Santa’s Claws.” It slaps, and you know it.

The award for Best Animated Feature goes to… At Both Ends! Honestly, this was Pixar’s worst in years, but it’s Pixar, so, you know, come on.

The award for Best Documentary goes to… Exit Through the Bait Shop! There’s no nautical nonsense here: Just fantastic journalism.

And the award for Best Picture goes to… What Tangled Webs! This film was a stirring reminder that love can still be magical, even when it’s sticky and has too many legs.

Wow, what a year! Please complain loudly in the comments over the obvious injustices of these decisions.