Pitch, Please Nine
Welcome back to Pitch, Please, where I pitch sure-to-be film successes inventing movie premises based on prompts that I write with a little help from my old friend, the internet. Last time’s prompt was:
It’s the groundbreaking documentary of the decade! Go undercover with an award-winning team of journalists as they uncover the seedy underbelly of the krabby patty industry. With shocking interviews and first hand footage of get rich quick schemes, you’ll never look at Spongebob Squarepants the same way again.
So here it goes:
Brought to you by OceaNPR:
We’ve all heard it’s better “under the sea,” when it comes to the scarlet clutches of capitalism, that would appear to be nautical nonsense.
Our team went undercover in a Bikini Bottom restaurant, where a local 1%er will stop at nothing to create a fast food monopoly deep beneath the waves.
Uncover the shocking secrets of food gone horribly wrong.
“They kept the burgers in a vault. Like, a money vault. Just hundreds of them stacked on top of each other, for… days. Weeks. Employees could just walk in and start touching food set aside for customers. It made me wonder… if this is how they treat their burgers, what are they really selling?”
Follow the relentless pursuit of the almighty dollar, no matter how strange.
“They would force the employees to change the restaurant at a moment’s notice: pizza joint, fine dining, trendy teen spot. The same restaurant, right next door! Two employees, forced to renovate, redecorate, reinvent. We’re talking hundreds of undocumented man-hours. Was the owner trying to court investors? Was it all a sham?”
And witness the staggering emotional cost of one capitalist’s pursuit of impossible wealth.
“At one point there was a bomb in the restaurant! A bomb disguised as a pie! It was a terrorist situation, and I’m pretty sure the victim cried an entire sweater of tears.”
When asked about the safety of employees, the owner, Eugene Krabbs, was recorded saying, “AAAAAAAgugugugugugugugug. Get out.”
Greed. Greatness. Grease. The untold lies behind the Krustry Krab will be revealed in:
Exit Through the Bait Shop
Want to be a part of movie history? Feel free to help me fill in the blanks on this next prompt in the comments or on Twitter @SharpeWrites with the hashtag, #pitchplease.
Next time’s prompt is:
Ah, the American suburbs. Quiet neighborhoods, green lawns, and … ______________________?! Suburban America is about to get a whole lot less peaceful when the Doherty family moves in next door. Sure they seem like an all-American family, but they’ve got a secret: the kids are actually _________________________!
They’ll need to be careful to avoid the watchful eyes of _______________________, but it’s hard when a family packed this much hijinks in their moving truck!