Tactical Advice for the Aging

Age and time have conspired to turn my body against me, and it’ll happen to you, too.

But these secrets (that your traitorous body doesn’t want you to know) can help reclaim some of that ground you’re inevitably going to lose.

• Heat: When muscles decide to revolt against you, try turning up the heat. Many of the strongest muscle groups will eventually fold when faced with an electric heating pad.

• Fatigue: Exhaustion comes for us all, and it arrives sooner and stays later when you’re an old like me. The key is to strike first… by returning to a child-like bed time (9:00 PM for this old). Every hour counts.

• Skin Care: This is a ruse that your body insists on upholding. Drink lots of water and bathe regularly, you’ll probably be fine. Save your time and resources for fights that you can actually win. Oh, but you do need to use sunscreen. Radiation burns aren’t fun for you or your body.

• Walks: In any battle, it’s important to present a moving target. If you take frequent walks throughout the day, your body will have fewer opportunities for sneak attacks.

• Social Interaction: In war, allies make all the difference. Deal a devastating blow to your body’s resistance by spending time with people you care about and reflecting on how lucky you are to have them (like a badass).

If you have a body and are aging, I hope this helps. If either of those things aren’t true, you can just skip over all this advice.