Black Friday? Whatever.

I mean, like, Black Friday? I’m over it.

Yeah, it was cool, back in the day when people ended their Thanksgiving gatherings early so they could get up at 3 AM to stand in line in the cold for hours. And you’d get a deal on something BIG. OK, well, no, probably not something big like a car or refrigerator or whatever. It usually had to fit in a cart.

TVs! I’m talking about the days when a big-screen TV went for… well, basically what they go for on the regular now, because there’s a billion of them and they’ve become easier to make.

But, look, you’re not listening. I’m saying that companies have just gotten so stingy. It used to be that they would give huge discounts, and there were enough for everyone who was willing to elbow somebody else’s mom in the throat to get there first. No, I’m not saying that was good. But like, it’s OK to miss it, right?

Look, I’m just saying that there’s no good reason that those deals had to end! I mean, would it kill Circuit City or K-Mart to… OK, well, not them, because they went out of business. Couldn’t turn a profit. Bad example.

But I mean it, it wouldn’t kill us to… OK, yes, people were stampeded to death after being whipped into a frenzy by companies who know how desperate the American economy is for low-income households.

I guess what I’m getting at is that it’s just not the same to shop from the comfort of a bed or couch, on a phone, and not filling retail workers’ hearts with unspeakable dread.

You know what, I hear it. The new way is better. Just don’t expect me to pay for “shipping.” It’s not like real people drive the delivery vans that have become the cornerstone of our holiday seasons.

OK, no, but wait a second! There’s a hot take in here somewhere!