Welcome to Your COVID Testing Site!

In these Uncertain Times(TM), we know how important it is for people to get tested quickly, comfortably, and safely to know if they are carrying the COVID-19 virus. As such, we have chosen the most scientific community center available: this Burger King parking lot.

It’s below 40 degrees out and the line is an hour long. Right this way!

It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this form with a QR code to fill out online, and a paper form to fill out the exact same information.

A pen? What’s a pen? Okay, move along.

To keep the line moving, please help your neighbors fill out their forms. We particularly mean the neighbors of a certain age group who don’t know how to unlock their phones. That’s a yikes from us. You deal with it.

Do you have any symptoms? Fatigue? Chills? Yes I know it’s below 40 degrees and you’ve been standing here for an hour, I told YOU that!

You still haven’t filled out your paper form?! How are we going to keep track of your information with just a digital database? Fine, you whiner. Here’s a pen with no ink. Now ignore the father who just stabbed his toddler’s brain with a cotton swab and fill out that paper!

Oh, look, it’s our staff! They are genuinely kind and patient human beings who have been out here a lot longer than you have and who have had to deal with all manner of confusion and crowding. They are very good people, so we have offered them the finest accommodations: a tent that keeps out zero percent of the cold and 100% of the sun, and two generators, one of which even WORKS… sometimes.

Alright, now give the inside of your nostrils ten hail Mary’s with this science stick. You should receive an email in a week letting you know if you had COVID or not. And don’t forget to stop by the Burger King on the way out for some “food.” See you again soon for the next variant!