No Hurricane Aid Starting…Now, says Politician

Opponents of federal relief spending for hurricane victims bravely stood up for their beliefs today by stating emphatically that the United States must put an end to reckless natural disaster recovery spending… just as soon as they receive their district’s federal funding.

In a bold display of the exact type of consistency and integrity that we’ve come to expect from these particular politicians, they put their feet down on several news outlets and social media sites against “Big Government” spending last week. This principled stance was only briefly interrupted by the arrival of a horrific and deadly storm, at which point they engaged in a deft political maneuver known as “take-backsies,” by which a politician may completely reverse their fervently held beliefs in the event of acts of God, dire circumstances, or political convenience. Even now their opponents, in one of the greater blunders of the recent election cycles, have still failed to call “no take-backsies,” which strongly suggests the anti-pro disaster spending politicians will be free to engage in what political strategists refer to as “double take-backsies,” thereby returning to a harshly pro-anti position in the coming weeks. In layman’s terms, they will both bite the hand that feeds them, while simultaneously having and eating cake.

Some commentators may say that this is proof that calls to limit government interference in daily life are just transparently self-serving political theater and that those standing against “big government” don’t seem to mind government interference so long as it protects their narrow worldview. Other commentators would call the move “heroic,” then fail to provide an explanation and avoid questions by putting their fingers in their ears and singing “la la la la la.”

One thing’s for sure, though. In times of crisis, Americans need to pull together, unless that crisis is happening to Americans far away or with different beliefs, in which case they really brought it on themselves, didn’t they?