Literary Characters I’ve Taught (and Could Totally Take in a Fight)
Bob Ewell (To Kill a Mockingbird): Sure, Bob’s a gross man who attacks kids with knives and doesn’t fight fair, but he also needs to be stinking drunk to get up the courage to do it, and if a skeletally thin shut-in can handle this guy, I like my chances.
All of the Lord of the Flies Kids: Individually, obviously, but also en masse. Now, I know what you’re thinking: with their numbers and Jack’s knife, it’s possible they could get the better of me, but that’s just because you’re not thinking it through. Thematically, those kids only harm others when they feel confident they’re stronger, and cower from the Beast whenever they get the chance. In Lord of the Flies, the biggest bully wins, and I made it all the way through middle school so I’m ready to be that bully.
Willy Loman (Death of a Salesman): Willy is, and I say this with a great deal of empathy and understanding, a loser. I don’t think I could take Biff, but I could crush Willy like capitalism crushed his hopes for a better life for his family.
King Lear: Lear’s a life-long soldier, and I am basically the opposite of that, but I’m willing to bet that him being over twice my age is going to be the advantage I need to topple a mentally unstable, self-abdicating monarch who yells at the weather.
Deputy Governor Danforth (The Crucible): And that S.O.B. would have it coming, too.
George B. Wilson (The Great Gatsby): Obviously I’d want to punch Tom Buchanan in the face, but the dude plays football and polo, and George is barely clinging on to the will to live. I have to go with the sure thing (provided I check him for weapons first).
Karl Lindner (A Raisin in the Sun): If you saw the 1961 film version, he was played by a wisp of a man who sounded like Porky Pig. I may not be able to tackle institutional racism, housing crises, or the economic processes that keep people poor at the behest of the wealthy… but I could put Karl Lindner in a sleeper hold, and I defy anyone who tells me otherwise.