Reviewing Takes Too Long
If I review a movie, I have to watch the whole movie. If I review a TV show, I have to watch at least one season. If I review a book, I have to read the whole book?!
Who has time for that? I mean, I do, I guess, but I’d rather be not finishing a million different things than actually following through on one thing and thinking about it.
But then I had a game-changing idea. What if I didn’t actually watch/read the stuff I reviewed? What if I just put down whatever random ideas were in my head as though they were fact and pass them off as reviews of popular shows so that it seems like I’m adding to the conversation, and then go back to scrolling through animal rescue Instagram pages?
With that in mind, here are my reviews of Netflix’s Top 10 series/films from this weekend.
The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On: I think this is that movie with Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver from a few years that back that everyone agreed was good, but was too sad for me to watch. With that in mind, I give this soulful drama 4 stars for being good but sad, and subtract one star because it was apparently too sad.
Bridgerton: Pop culture tells me this is a show that’s about English aristocrats facing the danger of being made fun of by other aristocrats, or worse, lose their fabulous unearned wealth and having to live like a normal person. Also everyone is pretending to date everyone else. High stakes indeed. 1 star.
Our Great National Parks: How great could they really be? 2.5 stars.
Better Call Saul: Now this one is kind of cheating, because I have watched the first two seasons of this show, but then fell off and started waiting for the whole thing to be over before I went back to it. So despite a strong start, 3 stars. I feel like nothing’s happened in years.
Queen of the South: This wacky spin-off of the award-winning series The Crown is about Queen Elizabeth the Second trying to run a bar in South London. 5 stars, fun for the whole family.
The Call: I prefer texts. 2 stars.
Cocomelon: Probably some kind of documentary on cross-breeding plants and genetically modified organisms? I don’t know, sounds good for nerds, I guess. 3.5 stars.
Married at First Sight: Even I know that this has got to be trash TV. Some people are going to love that. Some people are going to want to get back to their Cocomelon documentary to impress their smart friends. 2.5 stars seems fair.
Inventing Anna: A modern sci-fi reimagining of Frankenstein, with a new-wave feminist lens and a soundtrack by Daft Punk… I imagine. 4 stars, what a ride, presumably.
Cleaner: Boring title, hard to joke about. 0 stars.
God, that was way faster than normal. This is the new format from now on, and if you haven’t tried it for yourself, I can’t recommend this method highly enough. It’s like the protagonist in Gone with the Wind (haven’t seen it) says, “That really flew by!”