Secrets of Disney World’s Hall of Presidents

We’ve got another holiday to celebrate already, and this time it’s Presidents’ Day. Now, I feel it’s highly important to acknowledge that hero worshiping a nation’s leaders is problematic. Every single one of our presidents has been human (as far as I know), and that means they had human successes and human failures. So I don’t want to cherry-pick fun facts about our presidents and call it a day.

But I also don’t want to be a complete buzzkill and tell you all the worst traits of America’s leaders so I can feel all smug about them. Instead, I’m going to give you the real dirt on America’s OTHER presidents: the animatronic models in the Hall of Presidents in Disney World’s Liberty Square. Be warned. It’s about to get real.

Animatronic Abraham Lincoln is terrified he can never live up to REAL Abraham Lincoln.

Animatronic Jimmy Carter wished upon a star to become a real boy. He’s still waiting.

It is rumored that Animatronic Teddy Roosevelt once killed an intruder after dark with his bare hands. Disney World refuses to comment, no matter how many times I angrily Retweet their Encanto posts.

Animatronic John Adams and Animatronic William Henry Harrison and were originally prototypes for more realistic versions of beloved Muppet hecklers Statler and Waldorf.

Adams, Left, Harrison, Right.

During the Hall of Presidents presentation, Animatronic Calvin Coolidge can be seen mouthing the word “Help” over and over.

Animatronic James Buchanan has no motors at all, because he’s essentially a block of wood, much like the historical figure on which he was based.

There are no Animatronic women in the Hall of Presidents presentation. Isn’t that weird? Women have been voting for a hundred years. You’d think one would have made it in by now. Truly baffling.

Animatronic Millard Fillmore has been missing for 12 years, but nobody has noticed.

Animatronic Rutherford B. Hayes has a rare, endangered bird’s nest in his beard. It is illegal to disturb the bird’s nest, so Disney World can’t do anything about it. Yes, this was also a Family Guy plot line 20 years ago.

Anyway, I hope we all learned a little something about history today. Don’t forget to buy a mattress at a modest discount and/or watch National Treasure.