My Last Trip to the Northeast, as Retold by the Fellowship of the Ring

Gimli: DRIVING? ‘Anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I note they’re not, I’d say we were taking the long way round. Gandalf, we could pass through the Mines of Newark Liberty International Airport. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome.

Gandalf: No, Gimli, I would not take a flight through Newark unless I had no other choice.

< Legolas notices something amiss and looks intently towards the South >

< taking notice of Legolas’ observation >
Sam: What is that?

Gimli: Nothing, it’s just a check engine light on Calvin’s car. Probably just the summer heat.

Boromir: It’s been a cold several days, and the car has barely left the garage.

Legolas: It’s a Chevrolet! Its parts are foul and rotten!

Aragorn: Hurry, to the dealership!

Boromir: Merry! Frodo!

Aragorn: Come on, come on! Take it for repairs, quickly!

[On the way to the dealership, trying to repair the car.]

< Voice of Saruman is heard >
Saruman: Cuiva nwalca Carnirasse; nai yarvaxea rasselya! (Wake up cruel machine! May your window be destroyed!)

Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air.

Gandalf: Its Saruman!

[Car window breaks on the way to a repair for the check engine light.]

Boromir: It will take days to get the parts! Make for the Philadelphia airport and take the west road to my city!

Aragorn: Philadelphia airport takes us too close to Philadelphia!

Gimli: If we cannot pass on roads, let us go above them. Let us go through the mines of Newark Liberty International airport.

Gandalf: < grimly > Let the Ring bearer decide.

Gandalf: Frodo?

Frodo: We will go through Newark.

Gandalf: So be it.

LATER

<Gandalf hangs over the edge of a flight check-in desk.>

Gandalf: Fly, you fools!

Airline Staff: Sir, please don’t take that tone.

[Gandalf is sadly killed by flight delays and overpriced terminal Chex Mix. The Fellowship is broken. The Journey continues.]