An Open Letter to Anti-Vaxxers in the Key of Sarcasm Major
Of course we get it, you guys! You’re just not so sure about this whole COVID vaccine business! And it’s not a big deal. We’re not talking life or death here, we—
Okay, bad choice of words. But it’s fine! You don’t want to put anything in your body that doesn’t seem natural. Totally get it. Oh, what have you got there? Mountain Dew flavored Juuls? No, I’m fine, thanks. You go right ahead.
Where were we? Oh yeah, putting chemicals in your body. I mean sure, technically “everything we eat is made of chemicals.” And sure, the various vaccines have been rigorously tested. Millions upon millions of people have already had them. In fact, there are places that could desperately use them, or whatever. But like, I read a meme written in all Comic Sans posted by a family member I would never take medical advice from, and that was really thought-provoking…
No, for sure! What if the vaccines are tracking devices. They could find out where you are all the time! At your home. At the bar. At Wal-Mart… I mean those are the three places. But yeah, super scary. Oh, hold on, your Location Service enabled phone just sent you a notification. Better check that.
Anyway, this whole Delta Variant thing? Puh-lease. So now they’re telling you that the virus has, what, endured some kind of “natural selection” process whereby the variants most likely to survive have reproduced and spread? And that THOSE variants will make variants, some of which may be harder to diagnose or treat? Who are they, all those science class teachers you never paid attention to?
Look, I get it. You followed ALL the lock-down rules. Well, okay, not all. You didn’t always wear your mask in public, or limit your gatherings, or social distance, or wash your hands, or bathe, but WHATEVER. The point is, there was something you wanted to do, and you couldn’t immediately do it without people getting mad at you for endangering others. You’ve suffered from this pandemic. Why is it your responsibility to do something that will make you and the people around you safer? What have all the people who have taken the vaccine, or social distanced, or worn masks in public without having to be filmed having a temper tantrum ever done for you. No, we don’t have to count any of that!
The most important thing is that you do whatever you want no matter the consequences. Oh, hey that cough doesn’t sound great. You feeling okay? Weird. I mean, you take such good care of yourself.