Spring Break ‘21 (Teachers’ Edition)

It’s Spring Break for many this week, so let’s take a look at the wild lives of teachers on vacation. There are so many vacation destinations available right now… and they’re all infested with people for whom “social distance” is an abstract concept, so teachers are flocking to that tried and true vacation spot:

THEIR OWN HOMES.

This is a day in the life of teachers on vacation.

1.     After months of getting up before dawn can cut you off in traffic, it’s time to rest. Begin your day by sleeping in until a truly outrageous hour. Something crazy. Something you could never get away with during the year. I’m talking a truly unreasonable number: 7 AM.

2.     Start the day with good vibes by giving yourself a little something “extra” with breakfast. Something just for you. That’s right, you know what I’m talking about. We’re talking a multivitamin marketed to the middle-aged! Time to get wild (by taking the EXACT recommended dosage with water that’s not too cold). Woo. Party.

3.     Remember that you still have some grading/planning that you need to do because you decided to accept late work. But don’t let that get you down!

4.     Spend the next several hours letting that thought get you down, intermittently broken by snacking like you’re retroactively storing up fat reserves for the winter that just passed.

5.      Lunch. Those snacks you ate all morning don’t count, it’s vacation.

6.     Break down and do some grading. You do this all the time. It’s your literal job. It can’t be that bad—

7.     It’s bad, it’s so much worse than it is on a normal day because you should be having fun right now and you know it. Take a break and do something fun, like—

8.     Crap. You’re in your own home so you still need to do chores, or else you’ll be eating sandwiches off the floor like an animal because the sink is full and the wrappers from all those snacks are clinging to your clothes like a thousand scarlet letters.

9.     Finish a single chore. You deserve a reward.

10. Nap. It’s as glorious as you remember.

11. Crap, the grading is still there. Do as much of it as you can POSSIBLY STAND.

12. Fifteen minutes later you’re on your phone, bored out of your mind but at least it’s a boredom you chose. Look up at the clock and—

13. What the hell, it’s 5PM? That can’t be right, double-check your phone. Notice a mildly adorable dog picture someone posted.

14. Look up again. It’s 8PM. Choose between leftovers and ordering pizza.

15. After your pizza arrives, spend an inordinate amount of time trying to find something to watch online. You lack the willpower to understand anything new, so re-watch episodes of that show you’ve seen a hundred times.

16. Get ready for bed. It’s been a crazy day, and you’re going to be feeling this one tomorrow. Plan to sleep in as though you are literally, actually dead.

17. Wake up at 6:58AM. Do it all over again.